The beginning (Part 2)

Well, it turns out the beginning of my story is a lot longer than I realized. After I posted last night, I had all night to think about it again.  I realized there was so much I left out that I want people to know.  Eating disorders aren't as simple as they sound.  They are very dangerous and lead to a lot of complications.  It's not just "throwing up your food" or "not eating." It doesn't end there.  As I fought through my battle, I was also referred to a psychiatrist.  I had gotten BEYOND depressed and my anxiety was going through the roof.  I can't tell you how many times I ended up in my moms arms after I ate a meal.  We would cry together as we waited for 30 minutes to pass.  (After thirty minutes it's pointless to throw up because your body has already consumed the calories...etc.)  I would tense up my whole body, scream, hit something, or simply drive myself crazy after, before, or during a meal.  Everything in my life revolved around food.  EVERYTHING.  I could not concentrate in school, or in anything really.  I was miserable... beyond miserable actually.  The little part of rationality I had left in my brain wanted to get well so bad, but the irrational majority simply wanted to not eat or throw up.  That's all I wanted..... to be alone with my disease.  I wanted to eat a bunch of oreos, ice cream, and chocolate and then throw it up. I wanted everyone to leave me alone.  I wanted to do what I wanted to do regardless of the consequences.  As with all my other appointments, I did NOT want to go to a psychiatrist.  That's for people nuttier than just going to a therapist!! (or so I thought.)  Madeline and my mom, once again, encouraged and forced me to go.  I sat in a room with an Indian man, which I could not even say his name, and I had to tell him my WHOLE history.  I was so sick of telling doctors these things over and over!  As he was talking, I remember looking at all the stupid porcelain elephants and fancy degrees spread throughout his office.  I felt this man was very smart, but I also felt like he did not understand my individual condition.  As Madeline explained, he didn't have to understand, he just had to prescribe me something that would help my rambunctious brain.  I was prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety medication.  I cant tell you how many times I had to go back to his office and switch medicines because of side effects.  I have probably been through five or six anti-depressants, and it is NOT easy adjusting.  It takes months to see if one works or not.  Once I found one that worked, everyone noticed a small difference, but I didn't.  I just knew my brain finally wasn't twitching (That's what it felt like) from a side effect, so I stuck with Lexapro for a while.  But it seems that there is some kind of immunity after taking them for a while.... so trying new ones are something I have to endure, which sucks but I'm grateful for modern medicine.  My anxiety can get horrid at times.  Madeline says my brain is just wired a little differently than everyone else.  I can get nervous about THE SMALLEST thing in the world.  My anxiety isn't only driven by food, but also everything else.  If I am given an assignment for school, it has to be done that day.  I cannot relax unless everything is done, which everything is never done.  I have a hard time falling asleep and I CANT sleep in.  If there is something that needs to be done, I'm doing it.  I chew gum like a bear eats honey.  I go through a pack every two days.  It gets some of my nervousness out and keeps me from chewing the insides of my cheeks (nervous habit.)  I couldn't stay the night at friends houses during high school, or go anywhere alone.  I was in a prison.  My poor mom had to be with me at all times.  She even had to take off a while from work to be able to help me.  My life revolved around eating breakfast, keeping myself busy, not throwing up.  Eating lunch, keeping myself busy, not throwing up. Eating dinner, keeping myself busy, and not throwing up.  My mom kept me busy after eating so that thirty minutes would go by faster.  Even with hawk-like supervision, I still found ways to give in to my disease.  I would throw up down the kitchen sink, or in a Wal-Mart bag.  I would be so happy to get the food up, but so upset that I let myself and mentors down.  I'd have to try to do better on the next meal..... I've struggled for all this time fighting back and forth with my eating disorder, but now I have found some relief by getting out of my little bubble. I'm ready to help people, because I feel that is my destiny in life.  I have found a way to live with my disorder, because it never goes completely away.  I want to teach others how to do the same.  If you have any questions or would like to talk, you can always e-mail me at chelseylinder@gmail.com or facebook message me.  I'm here for you to confide in and I'm ready to help :)