I don't want everyone to think I have this perfect life after I explained my story and compared my life to Heaven.  Yes, I am much better, and yes I have many good days, but yesterday and today have been HORRID.  I swear there is a light switch in my brain and that switch can change in the snap of a finger.  It started yesterday when I woke up and realized I had to miss work, school, and most importantly my workout.  I don't do well with change.  It panics me.  Everyone was excited to be off of work and get to stay home and relax all day, but not Chelsey.  I literally went beyond crazy being cooped up in my house alone.  I got up at my usual time, 4:45, and ate my breakfast.  I didn't want to eat because I knew I could not get to the gym and I was NOT going to run in the ice and freezing temperatures.  I ate anyways.  I then proceeded to clean EVERY INCH of my house.  I kept myself busy by bleaching the shower, cleaning the oven until it was sparkling, doing several loads of clothes, dusting, sweeping mopping.... you name it and I did it.  By the time I got finished with everything I attempted to sit on the couch and watch t.v. but as my family knows, that is virtually impossible for me.  I would like to be able to sit down for fifteen minutes and watch a movie, but I cant.  My brain is wired to where I CANNOT relax for anything.  All of the idle time I had yesterday pushed that switch in my brain to the "mad and infuriated" side.  I got mad at EVERYTHING.  If I tried to sit down, I couldn't, so I did sit ups or crunches.  Tried to relax again, made jello instead.  Tried to take a nap, ended up doing homework that I didn't even have... it was all a vicious cycle and it has not ended yet.  That stupid switch is still turned on and no matter what I do I can't change it consciously. After such a horrible day yesterday, I woke up in a decent mood today but that was short lived.  The switch was abruptly turned back on when I put on my jeans.  They were a little snug, and that made me go ballistic.  I threw myself on the floor crying and screaming and feeling like a complete fat a$$.  I hate looking in the big stand up mirror because I hate what I see most days.  Sometimes I'm rational and can see that I'm skinny, othertimes I just see disgusting.  I know the truth, but sometimes I can't relay the message to my brain because my brain feels disconnected from my heart and eyes at time.

I took my anxiety medication, which I hate doing.  I think it's stupid, but I took it because Madeline tells me to.  It doesn't seem to do much at all.  I just want some relief from my brain tantalizing me every second of the past two days.  Praying for relief is the only answer, but I know I may have two good months before the "switch" gets turned back on.  I still do the right thing by eating right and keeping my food down despite the fact that my brain is telling me to give in to my disease.  Sometimes I wish I could trade brains and not care so much! Hopefully it will turn into a better day because I am desperate, and it's not like I can go take a nap and sleep it off.  I told you all the struggle I am having right now because I want you to know I'm not perfect, and that even though I feel that I have found a way to cope with my disease, it is still there.  It is a part of me that I have to deal with and I will always have to deal with.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, so if you are thinking about starting extreme dieting, or binging and purging... DONT.  It never ends and it does NO good.  If I could just go back to that Thanksgiving day I could have changed my whole life.  I believe eating disorders are from the devil, and once he gets a grasp on your brain, he has you.  So do me and yourself a favor... eat healthy and be thankful that you can relax :) 

--- Irritated Chelsey