Perfectionism is overrated

Perfectionist is one of the things that many people label me as, along with extreme...etc.  I can't be offended by these things because deep down I know they are very very true.  I am one of those people who has to be told to quit studying or told to take a break from cleaning and relax.  I have another problem with perfection and it is with my body.  No matter how tone, skinny, or athletic I am... I'm still never good enough.  I do blame some parts of my eating disorder on myself, but there is a major component in EVERY eating disorder.  The media is truly the devil.  Women are expected to look like this ?

Do we really want to spend our whole lives striving to look like something that is impossible?? These girls have absolutely no life! Who says what the perfect body is? who says you have to have a six pack? Who says that you have to be golden brown to be attractive? Who comes up with the right BMI for YOU? People are all DIFFERENT, therefore why should we all be expected to look the same?

All these women weigh the same amount. Crazy, huh.

Not everyone can achieve a six pack, no matter how many crunches they do.  We are better than giving in to what the world wants us to be.  We should be OURSELVES.  If 100 pounds is what you weigh, then so be it but if you weigh 150 and are happy... then good for you!

No matter how many times I have to remind myself this.... I still seem to try to achieve this impossible look every day, which is taking away my JOY IN LIFE.  I am going to try to focus on being happy and not worrying about being something that someone else is... I want to be ME.  All of you are beautiful just the way you are and I would like to challenge you to try to be happy or content with yourself... even if it is just for a minute.  After all, that is one more happy minute that you had yesterday.  This challenge will be REALLY hard for me, but I'm going to give it a try...

Give this quick video a watch, it's a real eye opener.

Remember, I am always here for you.  E-mail me, message me, facebook me...I would love to hear from you:)

---Chels

 

So, I LOVE ice cream.  It's one of the things that I will not let myself have so I just deprive myself.  I get really mad when I deprive myself, which is pretty self explanatory.  Anyways, here is an AWESOME alternative.  I also think these would be a great toddler food, especially if they are teething.  You basically take some Yoplait yogurt (I use light) and spoon it into a Ziploc bag or icing bag.  Put some parchment paper, or no paper, on a pan.  Snip the end of the bag with the yogurt in it and make little dots on the pan.  Fill it up! Then put them in the freezer for around 3 hours. Remove them from the pan and put in a bowl and eat or put back in the freezer. They are delicious and guilt free.  I have tried orange crème and banana crème pie and they are AWESOME!!

 

-Chelsey

 

 

 

I don't want everyone to think I have this perfect life after I explained my story and compared my life to Heaven.  Yes, I am much better, and yes I have many good days, but yesterday and today have been HORRID.  I swear there is a light switch in my brain and that switch can change in the snap of a finger.  It started yesterday when I woke up and realized I had to miss work, school, and most importantly my workout.  I don't do well with change.  It panics me.  Everyone was excited to be off of work and get to stay home and relax all day, but not Chelsey.  I literally went beyond crazy being cooped up in my house alone.  I got up at my usual time, 4:45, and ate my breakfast.  I didn't want to eat because I knew I could not get to the gym and I was NOT going to run in the ice and freezing temperatures.  I ate anyways.  I then proceeded to clean EVERY INCH of my house.  I kept myself busy by bleaching the shower, cleaning the oven until it was sparkling, doing several loads of clothes, dusting, sweeping mopping.... you name it and I did it.  By the time I got finished with everything I attempted to sit on the couch and watch t.v. but as my family knows, that is virtually impossible for me.  I would like to be able to sit down for fifteen minutes and watch a movie, but I cant.  My brain is wired to where I CANNOT relax for anything.  All of the idle time I had yesterday pushed that switch in my brain to the "mad and infuriated" side.  I got mad at EVERYTHING.  If I tried to sit down, I couldn't, so I did sit ups or crunches.  Tried to relax again, made jello instead.  Tried to take a nap, ended up doing homework that I didn't even have... it was all a vicious cycle and it has not ended yet.  That stupid switch is still turned on and no matter what I do I can't change it consciously. After such a horrible day yesterday, I woke up in a decent mood today but that was short lived.  The switch was abruptly turned back on when I put on my jeans.  They were a little snug, and that made me go ballistic.  I threw myself on the floor crying and screaming and feeling like a complete fat a$$.  I hate looking in the big stand up mirror because I hate what I see most days.  Sometimes I'm rational and can see that I'm skinny, othertimes I just see disgusting.  I know the truth, but sometimes I can't relay the message to my brain because my brain feels disconnected from my heart and eyes at time.

I took my anxiety medication, which I hate doing.  I think it's stupid, but I took it because Madeline tells me to.  It doesn't seem to do much at all.  I just want some relief from my brain tantalizing me every second of the past two days.  Praying for relief is the only answer, but I know I may have two good months before the "switch" gets turned back on.  I still do the right thing by eating right and keeping my food down despite the fact that my brain is telling me to give in to my disease.  Sometimes I wish I could trade brains and not care so much! Hopefully it will turn into a better day because I am desperate, and it's not like I can go take a nap and sleep it off.  I told you all the struggle I am having right now because I want you to know I'm not perfect, and that even though I feel that I have found a way to cope with my disease, it is still there.  It is a part of me that I have to deal with and I will always have to deal with.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, so if you are thinking about starting extreme dieting, or binging and purging... DONT.  It never ends and it does NO good.  If I could just go back to that Thanksgiving day I could have changed my whole life.  I believe eating disorders are from the devil, and once he gets a grasp on your brain, he has you.  So do me and yourself a favor... eat healthy and be thankful that you can relax :) 

--- Irritated Chelsey

The beginning (Part 2)

Well, it turns out the beginning of my story is a lot longer than I realized. After I posted last night, I had all night to think about it again.  I realized there was so much I left out that I want people to know.  Eating disorders aren't as simple as they sound.  They are very dangerous and lead to a lot of complications.  It's not just "throwing up your food" or "not eating." It doesn't end there.  As I fought through my battle, I was also referred to a psychiatrist.  I had gotten BEYOND depressed and my anxiety was going through the roof.  I can't tell you how many times I ended up in my moms arms after I ate a meal.  We would cry together as we waited for 30 minutes to pass.  (After thirty minutes it's pointless to throw up because your body has already consumed the calories...etc.)  I would tense up my whole body, scream, hit something, or simply drive myself crazy after, before, or during a meal.  Everything in my life revolved around food.  EVERYTHING.  I could not concentrate in school, or in anything really.  I was miserable... beyond miserable actually.  The little part of rationality I had left in my brain wanted to get well so bad, but the irrational majority simply wanted to not eat or throw up.  That's all I wanted..... to be alone with my disease.  I wanted to eat a bunch of oreos, ice cream, and chocolate and then throw it up. I wanted everyone to leave me alone.  I wanted to do what I wanted to do regardless of the consequences.  As with all my other appointments, I did NOT want to go to a psychiatrist.  That's for people nuttier than just going to a therapist!! (or so I thought.)  Madeline and my mom, once again, encouraged and forced me to go.  I sat in a room with an Indian man, which I could not even say his name, and I had to tell him my WHOLE history.  I was so sick of telling doctors these things over and over!  As he was talking, I remember looking at all the stupid porcelain elephants and fancy degrees spread throughout his office.  I felt this man was very smart, but I also felt like he did not understand my individual condition.  As Madeline explained, he didn't have to understand, he just had to prescribe me something that would help my rambunctious brain.  I was prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety medication.  I cant tell you how many times I had to go back to his office and switch medicines because of side effects.  I have probably been through five or six anti-depressants, and it is NOT easy adjusting.  It takes months to see if one works or not.  Once I found one that worked, everyone noticed a small difference, but I didn't.  I just knew my brain finally wasn't twitching (That's what it felt like) from a side effect, so I stuck with Lexapro for a while.  But it seems that there is some kind of immunity after taking them for a while.... so trying new ones are something I have to endure, which sucks but I'm grateful for modern medicine.  My anxiety can get horrid at times.  Madeline says my brain is just wired a little differently than everyone else.  I can get nervous about THE SMALLEST thing in the world.  My anxiety isn't only driven by food, but also everything else.  If I am given an assignment for school, it has to be done that day.  I cannot relax unless everything is done, which everything is never done.  I have a hard time falling asleep and I CANT sleep in.  If there is something that needs to be done, I'm doing it.  I chew gum like a bear eats honey.  I go through a pack every two days.  It gets some of my nervousness out and keeps me from chewing the insides of my cheeks (nervous habit.)  I couldn't stay the night at friends houses during high school, or go anywhere alone.  I was in a prison.  My poor mom had to be with me at all times.  She even had to take off a while from work to be able to help me.  My life revolved around eating breakfast, keeping myself busy, not throwing up.  Eating lunch, keeping myself busy, not throwing up. Eating dinner, keeping myself busy, and not throwing up.  My mom kept me busy after eating so that thirty minutes would go by faster.  Even with hawk-like supervision, I still found ways to give in to my disease.  I would throw up down the kitchen sink, or in a Wal-Mart bag.  I would be so happy to get the food up, but so upset that I let myself and mentors down.  I'd have to try to do better on the next meal..... I've struggled for all this time fighting back and forth with my eating disorder, but now I have found some relief by getting out of my little bubble. I'm ready to help people, because I feel that is my destiny in life.  I have found a way to live with my disorder, because it never goes completely away.  I want to teach others how to do the same.  If you have any questions or would like to talk, you can always e-mail me at chelseylinder@gmail.com or facebook message me.  I'm here for you to confide in and I'm ready to help :)

Let's get started... from the very beginning.

There is a HUGE part of my life that only close family and friends know about....  I have been ashamed and embarrassed in the past, but now I feel like people need to know my story and my struggle/struggles.  I also want to share my story for people dealing with the same issues.  I'll cut to the chase,  for around five years I have battled a severe eating disorder that has impacted my life more than you know.  I know this first post will be a LONG one because five years is a long time to sum up. I remember the day the thoughts started.  I was a freshman sitting in "health" class.  We watched "Super-Size Me" and discussed various topics on weight and health.  I distinctly remember reading a little caption on the right hand side of my book that basically said "if you add 100 extra calories a day, you will gain 15 pounds a year."  This completely blind sided me.  So that extra 100 calorie pack of cookies I eat as a snack every day will make me gain 15 pounds by next year?? I opted for the salad line at lunch that day.  I continued to listen to Coach ______ preach about how everything is wrong and bad for you.  I now know that these "facts" were wrong.  Very wrong.  This is where it started.  I tried to cut back on food from when I started the health class, which was in late August.  I was still a normal teenager though.  I ate snack cakes and chips with soda often.  I was pretty small already when all of this started.  I continued to do a little dieting here and there for the next couple months but the first time I ever tried to force myself to throw up was on Thanksgiving in 2009.  It didn't work.

Here's that day I tried it for the first time.

I tried and tried to force my fingers down my throat to get the one spoon of mac & cheese and green bean casserole up, however, my attempts failed.  I was so furious that I could not make it work.  In my text book it said all you had to do was stick your fingers down your throat and it would all come up... they lied.  I decided I would just not eat.  I would get so furious when I gave in to temptation and ate that apple, or drank that juice.  What started off as being restrictive, ended up being nothing.  I literally would eat nothing for three or four days at a time.  I pretended to eat things by saying I had homework and bring my plate in my room, which I would flush or throw away.  At first the pain in my stomach was torture, but I quickly grew to like it.  I liked being starving.  It made me feel accomplished.  I only ate 150 calories today, I did it...YAY.  That was the kind of mind-set I was in.  My mom did not find out for a month or so that I was on this crazy life threatening down hill spiral.  In fact, no one knew.  I wanted to get bone thin and I wanted people to notice.  I remember being at church and they were serving ice cream (my favorite) for dessert and I would not eat any.  My mom had noticed that I acted weird about it and on the way home I finally disclosed to her what I could not hide in a large t shirt anymore.  I physically could not make myself eat and I hadn't done so in a long time.  She immediately got on the phone with my family doctor who asked to see me immediately, so the next day there I was.  I was reluctant and I knew no one would make me eat, because I did not have to.  My body, my choice.  I remember seeing the history on the computer and the last thing searched was Texas Children's Hospital.  But, of course, I was not even close to being bad enough to go there.  I remember looking at my reflection of the outside of the doctors building in my Beatles shirt and skinny jeans thinking how fat I was.

I thought I was fat around this time. I was very sick.

How could I be fat when I don't eat??? I was so mad.  I was called into the office and my mom explained what had been going on as I sat there because I did not want to tell him what I had been doing.  He examined me and told me I needed blood taken.  I had gained 1/4 of a pound since I last weighed myself (which was at least 3 times a day.)  That ruined my day completely.  He asked what I used to make myself throw up... which wasn't very often at the time because I generally opted to not eat instead.  It wasn't worth the work of getting blood shot eyes and a swollen face.  I lied and said "I just do it."  He then looked at both of my hands and told me it was my right hand, which was true, because of the callouses.  He also referred me to a therapist.  I was NOT going to see a therapist because I was not crazy.  I'm not some nut that needs therapy.  He recommended the best he knew of, and I knew I wouldn't go.  The next day I was sitting in the therapist office (thanks mom.)  I was nervous and reluctant, I knew that talking wouldn't help.  I remember sitting there with my ribs protruding through my shirt and my paper thin nails.  I also had to cut my hair off because it was so thin and fragile from lack of nutrients.  I thought I looked good.  Little did I know, I would make friends with someone that would change my life forever.  Madeline Alford entered the room and we discussed what had been going on.  My mom was adamant on me going to treatment but Madeline believed in me.  She gave me a plan, and if I did not reach our goal by the next week, I would go to in-patient treatment. I knew I was not going to treatment.  I was finally ready to fight for my freedom.  I knew I had to listen to her, or else I would be sent away to a cold hospital room with people skinnier than me (which I was scared of.)  I hated girls skinnier than me.  Madeline and I immediately clicked.  She knew what I was thinking at all times.  She gave me hope, when I had none.  I had several nights where my arms, legs, and tongue would go numb from lack of calories.  I would get scared at that moment, but it wasn't enough to change my ways.  With weekly visits to Madeline, I worked on eating sufficient calories.  There was only one problem with that.  Although I started eating again, I started puking EVERYTHING I put in my mouth.  I would throw up after chewing gum because the gum juice had calories.  My mom would watch the bathroom like a hawk, so I would throw up in containers and bags and hide them in my closet or under my bed.  Once my mom wasn't home I would dispose of them.  I did that for months before my mom discovered it.  I was then rushed back to Madeline and the doctor for more testing and therapy.  Madeline gave me a short period of time in which I could show improvement and not be sent to a hospital.  She believed in me when everyone else didn't.  She knew I was strong enough to overcome this obstacle.  I got better little by little.  I added things to my diet like chicken and fish, and tried my best to keep them down.  It took serious work between my mom, Madeline, and I.  I was on my knees every night praying to have the strength to eat and keep down the small amount I was taking in.  I obsessed over every calorie and every bite.  My brain turned into one giant calculator who only thought about food.  I couldn't concentrate on anything except what I was going to eat and throw up or what I was not going to eat.

I pretended to eat by picking at my plate, which barely had anything on it to begin with.

This was at our annual Easter Barbeque.

 

  I struggled for months making small improvements that had my mom and Madeline surprised.  They knew I belonged in a treatment facility, but I wanted to fight this battle without a hospital.  It was my strong will that has kept me alive through the ups and downs of this disease.  You may think I'm some freak, or you may see me differently now, but that's your choice.  I know that I was given this trial to make me stronger, and that is exactly what it has done.  Although I am much better now,  it never goes away.  The thoughts and mind games are always there.  I have to push them out of my brain and replace them with positive thoughts.  I have came to the realization that I will always have an eating disorder.  Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's okay.  I have my ups and downs, but I am healthy now and I know what is healthy for me.  I work out every day and eat as healthy as possible.  I have to eat strictly or else I run the risk of throwing up my food or beating myself up for days.  I still count my food and my calories to ensure that I do not intake too much.  I owe my life to Madeline Alford.  She truly saved me.  I know God sent her straight to me. I struggle on a daily basis, and I have major anxiety from my disorder but I am able to cope with it with the tools I have been given.  If my jeans are tight in the morning, my day is ruined.  If I eat enough to where my stomach is "too full," I get the urge to throw up.  Sometimes I can overcome the urge, sometimes I cant.  I have recently learned that I can free myself of this incapacitation by engaging in other things.  I keep myself busy from 4:45 A.M, when I eat my breakfast, until night time when I go to bed.  I prepare a weeks worth of meals with the calories and carbs written on the lids.  I have a lunch ready for every day of the week so I do not have to obsess over it the day before.  I am so grateful that I am able to live now.  After overcoming this, I know I can do anything and so can you.  If you are struggling with something similar, I would love to talk and help you.  There is hope, even when you KNOW there isn't.  Any feelings you have, I have had. I have graduated in the top of my High School class, gotten married, and I feel very accomplished about those things considering what I have been through mentally and physically. 

I know most everyone had no clue that I have kept this hidden for so long. From now on I will be posting on this blog to update on my accomplishments, health information, struggles, recipes, and how I deal with my disease on a daily basis.  I control my disease, it does not control me.  I actually am getting muscles from eating right and working out! Something I never thought I could accomplish.  If you have any questions, or need someone to talk to... I am always here.  I would love to help people like me.